Forgiveness

Joanne came with a heavy heart and eyes streaming with tears... she had heard that the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat would be able to help her find some peace and comfort after years of grief and shame. Three years before, Joanne had been forced to abort her baby. She had felt trapped and unable to stand up to the pressure from her husband: "This is not a good time... I'm studying... we can have a baby later later... there's plenty of time." But now, here she was, three years later - and still no baby.

The retreat began gently with a meditation and ritual based on today's Gospel passage (John 8:1 -11). The woman in the story was filled with fear, shame and grief, just like Joanne. But the Joanne also heard the words that Jesus spoke to that woman: "I do not condemn you". She then went on to reveal to the group that in the three years since her abortion, in an attempt to deaden the pain she was feeling, she had smoked marijuana constantly. She was "stoned" by her own hand! Hearing those beautiful. gentle words of Jesus helped Joanne start to take the first steps along her healing journey back to wholeness.

During the retreat, participants are invited to write a letter to their aborted baby. In her letter, Joanne wrote:

'When I found out you were inside me, I already knew - we had been loving each other and I felt you tugging my womb and my breasts. I was honoured to be your mummy, but I was so scared. I felt alone and worried and I did a terrible thing to you. Your daddy and I were fighting a lot and we were very poor. I never wanted you to experience the hurt I did growing up poor.

I have named you Gabriel. It means "In God is my strength". God wasn't my strength when you werre in my belly - I had turned from the world. I should have just stayed loving and trusting you. My life fell apart after you left it. I couldn't face a life without you and felt so bad for hurting you and taking your life. But Gabriel, I have returned to God now and hope that you are loved in His hands.

I want you to know that although you life was so short, you did matter. You have had a profound impact on me and you have become my greatest Teacher. I will tell your story my darling. I'll take God's guidance to direct me in this and I pray that you may forgive me and watch over all my endeavours in your name.'

An interesting story. It got me thinking about forgiveness, and what it actually means to us. Oscar Romero tells us that God wants to forgive us, yet Joanne highlights the underlying problem for us; We have to forgive ourselves of our sin before we can let God forgive us as well. The reasoning of this is simple. It is clear from sources to numerous to mention that God is all to willing to forgive us, but this is a unsettling notion for many.

Humans don't often like to think about our failings. Death - the reminder of our ultimate fallibility - scares us. We don't like it when people correct us in front of those who we are seeking respect or admiration, and we become uneasy and embarrassed when we screw up. Humans like to think they are perfect, if not then close to it. To a certain degree, we can ignore the downsides of life.

But we cannot ignore God's calling. God's constant reminder of that ultimate forgiveness causes some to fall far from the path. Shamed by their mistake, God's willingness to forgive only drives them farther away. I'm not saying we should be comfortable with our sins, but we should recognise our shortcomings and be prepared to live with, and learn from, them. It was only after Joanne was prepared to go to a retreat and face her shortcomings that she could forgive herself and let God back into her life.

The Penitential Rite highlights this need to face our defeats to temptation. As is said in the Confitior, "I confess to Almighty God, and to you my brothers and sisters; That I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts, in my words, in what I have done, and what I have failed to do". It is then that we can face God, let him into our hearts, and be filled with the Holy Spirit's wisdom and love.

'I would like to say, as a brother,
to all those friends whose consciences are uneasy
because they have sinned against God and neighbour;
You cannot be happy that way;
the God of love is calling you.
He wants to forgive you,
He wants to save you.'

Oscar Romero (1917 - 1980)